Why I Could Not Stop Laughing at Microsoft’s E3 Press Conference.
The Shit Storm of our time has begun.
So Microsoft’s E3 Press Conference was today. I watched the stream with the members of a certain image board. Well, what do you fucking know? It’s shit. I seriously expected something HUGE hidden under Microsoft’s sleeves.
What do they have to offer?
Bing: Search Engine the Videogame
Kinect
Halo 4: The Trilogy Continues! With more AutoAim!
Kinect.
Gears of War 3
Kinect.
Call of Dooty: ARCADE SHOOTAH! Press x to enter SUPER COOL SLOW MO MODE. Sit in corners with over powered weaponry!
Kinect
Minecraft Kinect: No mouse precision, no textures, no mods etc…
Kinect
Star Wars Kinect: Wave your hands around, scripted action everywhere, RAILS. The game takes you on a ride, and all you have to do is flail your limbs like an idiot.
Halo Combat Evolved HD: It’s a good game, but why the attention? Xbros want Call of Duty 6 and Halo 4 with fast paced hard core action!
Protoype 2: Seriously, you guys need to play the piece of shit the first game was.
Mass Effect 3: Lesbian Alien Sex! WITH KINECT FOR HARDCORE GAMERS! It’s called a microphone. You give voice recognition with a headset. You TWITS. What the **** is wrong with you.
At the end of the Conference
No one cheered.
No one clapped.
I can’t find the words to describe the shit storm that it caused.
Shit storm, shit storm everywhere.
Fanboys raving on messageboards.
Fanboys cursing the kinect.
Fanboys losing all faith in xbox, microsoft and videogames in general.
There’s just not enough words to describe it.
That’s it?
Now, I hate the xbox, but by god….I seriously expected some SERIOUS SHIT up Microsoft’s sleeve.
Instead we get something that’s SERIOUSLY SHIT.
I know this is serious shit when instead of posting “PS3 has no gaems lol”, people are posting, “Xbawks has no gaems lol…but seriously, I need some info before I buy a ps3 and sell this POS xbox” Or, “Hey, former Xbro here. I need some advice, I’m selling that shit and getting a ps3 and upgrading my computer. Here’s my specs…”
I dunno about you readers out there, but I’m totally excited about Microsoft’s best game.
Sesame Street: Once Upon a Monster.
No, wait, don’t laugh, I’m serious here.
Tim Schaffer and Double Fine Productions, who brought us fine games such as Psychonauts, (Seriously, check that game out, it’s a ton of fun), are producing this game.
Here’s a link for you.
C is for Cookie, and that’s good enough for me.
So, is it just me? Or is Microsoft trying to emulate Nintendo by creating shovel ware and casual games for their system?
I mean, Nintendo made a shit ton of money that way, they found their niche, but does Microsoft seriously think they can shoe horn their way into Nintendo’s territory?
Speaking of Nintendo, they’re promising that people like YOU will enjoy what their new console will offer.
They promise hard core gamers will rejoice with their new technology.
That’s really exciting news right there!
I hope they add a good controller to their new console, because if you’ve played on the Nintendo 64 or the Gamecube, you know what a pain in the ass those controllers can be.
Here’s to hoping Sony and Nintendo lose the motion controllers and have a better presentation!
*Link to the Microsoft Conference will come as soon as it’s available*